Sunday, September 26, 2010

I'm Lonely, Miss Lonely

Dear Bloggie,
    I've got a confession to make. There is a reason why I haven't talked about school that much. It's because it's not going as well as I thought. I was talking to somebody earlier tonight -- this person doesn't seem to understand how awesome they are and that people like them -- when talking with them made me realize that I've been in denial. I love my school so much. I love my teachers and my classes are awesome. If I left there, I would regret it. 

   But at the same time school isn't perfect. I sometimes find myself wishing I hadn't gone somewhere so different that where my friends went. I find myself thinking that maybe I should have gone to Northwest Catholic. Would I have loved it? No. Would I be as lonely? Probably not. I'm not super close to the people who go there, but at least I would be closer than I am now. 

   It's not like I'm a total social exile. I do sit with people at lunch. But I rarely talk to them. I sit there quietly and listen, reading or doing work that's due the next period or so. You know the movie Mean Girls? Remember Lindsay Lohan's first day, where she's all lonely and ends up eating lunch in the bathroom? Take away the bathroom part and add some small talk throughout the day, and that's my life at school. 

  My arts classes have been better, I made friends -- really, I consider her a friend -- with this girl named Sierra. Sadly, she wants to be an art major. And add in the fact that she's a half day student, well, you get the picture. I won't see her much now that this rotation is done. We'll be in total different areas. It really sucks. We still have Facebook and I'll still see her, but it won't be the same.

   The first day I was by myself when this lady who teachers Sunday school at my church (who will my teacher this year) and is a music teacher for the arts classes, had come up to me and had said hi. She had asked me if I knew anyone else there and I answered no. When she thought I was being rather brave, and that she didn't think she could have been able to have done the same thing, I was proud of myself. I thought "Ha, I am being brave!" 

   But now I think I was being stupid.
   Because loneliness really sucks. If you have never felt it, well, consider yourself the luckiest person on earth. If you have, then you totally understand what I mean. I hope this will change soon. Sadly, if my past is any example, I don't make friends easily. People don't tend to like the fat girl. 



Brad Jaeger said...

I won't say that things will necessarily get better, because that's not always the case.

I had a similar, less than sociable experience for most of my school years, even though I was fond of most of the teachers and the school itself.

Tough it out the best that you can. Don't force yourself to make friends. Be social with good people--don't settle just for the sake of company. Good friends are worth their weight in gold, and quantity is never a worthy replacement.

I will say this though: a lot of the pretensions and crap that you have to deal with in school melts away when it comes time for college or university. I found the change immense.

Keep your head up :)

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